Thursday, May 13, 2010

You're a Stupid Bitch

This is the best thing ever. I am sitting alone in my office with the door wide open, laughing like a crazy person and blaring this homoblabber like it's not at all offensive to the possible gay passerby or more likely the boring conservatives I work with. This is why I'm a professional, guys.

The ironic part is that I actually DO have a sassy gay friend, but when I get all Ophelia on him, he's like, "Can you just call Messica? I have a rainbowball game in like an hour and I have to shave my junk." And then Mess and I end up cursing his existence and chasing an entire pizza with a case of Miller Lite. The next morning, after Bubba learns that I have not, in fact, killed myself, he usually shows up with one of these three things: 1. a pack of Marb Lights, 2. a Diet Pepsi, or 3. a medium raspberry coffee with cream and sugar from Dunkin Donuts. If it was a particularly bad night and he blew it off to go watch the latest Twilight on DVD with his man-child roommate, then I get all three. Typically they are delivered to my work, where I can't ream him out with as colorful of language as I'd like, but have to keep smiling through clenched teeth while swearing to him that I'm never going to pick up his destitute ass in Brooklyn ever again and then let him borrow my car for a week because he totaled his truck on the New Jersey Turnpike but didn't care because he thought his new life was going to be like Sex in the City but instead turned out to be totally stupid and lame because awesome people like me and Messica did not move to New York with him and that I can totally see his hair receding as I speak...

Man. I could use a cigarette/DP/Dunkin delivery right now, it seems. Latent hostility I guess.

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