Sometimes I Wish I Was an Only Child

It's a two-fer day, ya'll. This is what resumes when my brother upgrades apartments and I get his hand-me-down couch (that he got for free from our parents) since he's richer than God and buying new furniture:

Sent at 1:59 PM on Wednesday
Charlemagne: Can you buy me this as a house warming gift and as an exchange for the couch
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Bissell-3-in-1-Vac-Blue-Morpho/13729300

Kate: Ummm sure... I was just at Walmart though. Won't go again for a while.

Charlemagne: Yesssss. It says they are in the stores too. I think there are lots of colors, any of them are fine. Even pink if it is the last choice

Kate: ...

Charlemagne: I guess we will be ready to vacuum tomorrow, that's when Volo can move his shit out of main areas and into his room and we can begin living there

Kate: I'm not going to Walmart today.

Charlemagne: I guess I need to get that vacuum now then. Oh well.

Kate: You can borrow our vacuum if you want

Charlemagne: I have a big one but I want that little one so I don't scratch up all the floors

Sent at 3:01 PM on Wednesday
Charlemagne: I will just go to Walmart and you can pay me 15 dollars for the couch. DEAL. Thanks for the present

Kate: I don't think that's how it works. Plus, you never bought that couch.

Charlemagne: But I need it tomorrow.

Kate: I would not charge you for a couch.

Charlemagne: Would you charge me for a vacuum?

Kate: Did you give me a housewarming present?

Charlemagne: Fine. Take your lousy couch.

Kate: Jesus Christ I'll give you $15

Charlemagne: It is probably full of mouse feces. Mr. Mouse lived in there

Kate: Awesome.

Charlemagne: haha I really don't care, but now that I think about it, a mouse probably did live in it. Better than dying in it though

Kate: I hate you.

Emails From Messica

From: Miss Mess
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:43 AM
To: Kate
Subject: I WANT A DIVORCE

FYI Operation Alimony resumes on Friday. Isn't that exciting?

From: Kate
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:44 AM
To: Miss Mess
Subject: Re: I WANT A DIVORCE

TEAM MESSICA FTW

From: Miss Mess
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:46 AM
To: Kate
Subject: Re: I WANT A DIVORCE

PS- I am assuming that the divorce reception will be probably mid to end of September. Leave your calendar open and decide what song you want the dj to play when you walk out as a divorcee maid.

Thanks!


From: Kate
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:50 AM
To: Miss Mess
Subject: Re: I WANT A DIVORCE

Ooooh I'll start brainstorming. I think angry chick rock is appropriate. Or maybe metal.

From: Miss Mess
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:52 AM
To: Kate
Subject: Re: I WANT A DIVORCE

Absolutely! Now, is it inappropriate for me to wear black and bring Jimbo as my guest?

From: Kate
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:54 AM
To: Miss Mess
Subject: Re: I WANT A DIVORCE

Certainly not. You and Ex-Douchebag can have a last dance and whenever people clink glasses you get to punch him in the face.


From: Miss Mess
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 9:55 AM
To: Kate
Subject: Re: I WANT A DIVORCE

Let's keep our eyes on the prize. Divorce reception... 9-25-10. I would do it on the 18th, but I don't want to interfere with Yom Kippur.

I Want. I Need. I Must Have.

This. And of course, the Kindle to go along with it.