Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Pop Rocks and Pop
This:
looks like this:
And Brooke Shields is wearing Ryan McGinness for Jones New York?
Mmk.
looks like this:
And Brooke Shields is wearing Ryan McGinness for Jones New York?
Mmk.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Lord, Beer Me Strength
Perhaps you caught the post in which tights ruined my knitwear indulged serenity. If so, you're sure to remember these:
Are you kidding me, Hilton? You have proved you have enough money to buy your way into fame, therefore you certainly have enough to buy an entire pair of tights instead of just half of one. Seriously, Leggs sells em for like two bucks.
Are you kidding me, Hilton? You have proved you have enough money to buy your way into fame, therefore you certainly have enough to buy an entire pair of tights instead of just half of one. Seriously, Leggs sells em for like two bucks.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Update: The Location of my Underpants
Now, I work at the same fabulous establishment as Stepmom-lady (and Dad-guy as well), and since I no longer reside with them, they often use the workday as a means of familial contact. This morning I called Stepmom-lady on completely work related business, and this is a close reconstruction of the conversation that ensued:
Kate: Hey. How are you this morning?
SML: Great! I have presents for you.
Kate: Ooh. I like presents. Whatcha got?
SML: Your Cosmo that came to the house and some underpants.
(Yes, she said "underpants")
Kate: Underpants?
SML: Yes. They're clean.
Kate: Uh... You brought me clean underpants?
SML: Well, they're yours.
Kate: You brought me my own clean underpants?
SML: Yes. Paws was quite concerned that they belonged to some friend of your brother, but I assured him that they were yours.
Kate: How do you know?
SML: I bought them for you for Christmas.
Kate: Oh. (pause) Why do you have my underpants?
SML: I found them in the dryer after you did your laundry here last weekend.
Kate: Oh. That makes sense.
SML: So they're here for you whenever you stop over.
So during my lunch break, I trekked over and grabbed from my Stepmother's desk the most recent edition of Cosmopolitan, one sock (she neglected to mention this), and some clean underpants.
Professionalism at its best.
Kate: Hey. How are you this morning?
SML: Great! I have presents for you.
Kate: Ooh. I like presents. Whatcha got?
SML: Your Cosmo that came to the house and some underpants.
(Yes, she said "underpants")
Kate: Underpants?
SML: Yes. They're clean.
Kate: Uh... You brought me clean underpants?
SML: Well, they're yours.
Kate: You brought me my own clean underpants?
SML: Yes. Paws was quite concerned that they belonged to some friend of your brother, but I assured him that they were yours.
Kate: How do you know?
SML: I bought them for you for Christmas.
Kate: Oh. (pause) Why do you have my underpants?
SML: I found them in the dryer after you did your laundry here last weekend.
Kate: Oh. That makes sense.
SML: So they're here for you whenever you stop over.
So during my lunch break, I trekked over and grabbed from my Stepmother's desk the most recent edition of Cosmopolitan, one sock (she neglected to mention this), and some clean underpants.
Professionalism at its best.
Tonight is the Night of Nights
Well, friends and lovers, it is my second favorite holiday of the year (topped only by the eloquently named "Weaster") yet I am not, in fact, enjoying 5 cent beers at a local watering hole decked out in my all time favorite color from head to toe and betting my brother shots of Jameson that I can spot more gingers than he can. Nope. I am here. At work. And pretty much no one else is. And I'm sure you can guess how excited I am.
It's also fairly gorgeous outside and I am not out in the sunshine enjoying it because I ducked out early yesterday to enjoy it and probably can't fake needing to pick up a friend from the airport two days in a row. I also can't go from work directly to happy hour, because I will be heading straight from my romanticized cubicle to the belly dancing class that Roommate and I started last week. Let me tell you, I am not great at belly dancing. Nor do I take it as seriously as some of the others in the class. There are a large handful of "those girls" in the class. You know which ones I mean.
Not to be confused with "those girls"- the Ugg boot and Victoria's Secret Pink sweatpants wearing, kissy face, Comic Sans, Facebook whores we all went to High School with. These girls are the ones that were self declared Wiccan and drew pentagrams on their notebooks and wore hippie skirts but didn't smoke pot and were secretly into Anime. Those are the ones. They still wear those skirts. And they looooooooove belly dance.
Sigh.
It's also fairly gorgeous outside and I am not out in the sunshine enjoying it because I ducked out early yesterday to enjoy it and probably can't fake needing to pick up a friend from the airport two days in a row. I also can't go from work directly to happy hour, because I will be heading straight from my romanticized cubicle to the belly dancing class that Roommate and I started last week. Let me tell you, I am not great at belly dancing. Nor do I take it as seriously as some of the others in the class. There are a large handful of "those girls" in the class. You know which ones I mean.
Not to be confused with "those girls"- the Ugg boot and Victoria's Secret Pink sweatpants wearing, kissy face, Comic Sans, Facebook whores we all went to High School with. These girls are the ones that were self declared Wiccan and drew pentagrams on their notebooks and wore hippie skirts but didn't smoke pot and were secretly into Anime. Those are the ones. They still wear those skirts. And they looooooooove belly dance.
Sigh.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Words of Wisdom a la Katelyn, Part I
"Answering the Phone Call of an Unbalanced Maternal Parent: A Survival Guide
1. SCREEN YOUR CALLS. However, if you must answer the migraine inflicting, anxiety stimulating, vomit inducing phone call, follow the suggestions below to ease your agony.
2. Pull out that five liter box of Franzia that you keep on hand for such occasions. If the conversation turns out to be unusually heinous, upgrade to hard liquor. Jack Daniels or Jim Beam work nicely. (Warning: Do not use nice wine glasses, as they may be propelled with high velocity against a wall while you regrettably recall the conversation post-phone call)
3. If you are expecting a call from your Unbalanced Maternal Parent (UMP), make sure you pick up an extra pack of cigarettes. However, be sure to purchase a pack of the light variety, as the amount of smoking that will ensue will surely knock 34 years off your life. (Note: If you are currently not a smoker, you do not have an UMP.)
4. A well fueled lighter should be on hand for the dreaded phone call. As your anxiety may not be eased by the consumption of cheap wine and chain-smoking, the constant flicking of the lighter may help. A well fueled lighter is also valuable in destroying insect life and burning the fringe off the holes in your jeans.
5. Be sure to surround yourself with friends who have UMPs of equal or greater insanity than your own (although the latter may seem impossible at this point). They too will have that tell tale sign, so you will surely feel less self-conscious about that constant twitch in your right eye.
6. Following a phone call, it is crucial to your sanity that an art therapy session immediately take place. Be it Pollack style paint slinging or Kahl influenced sharpie portraits, art therapy will bring your anxiety level down a notch. Art supplies of any and all varieties may be used (Voo Doo doll construction materials are a plus).
7. Indulge yourself in Taco Bell smothered in Cheez Wiz, McDonald's Happy Meals, vast amounts of icecream, or any other such fattening food. The extreme caloric intake will allow you to feel less guilty about resenting your mother and will direct your guilt to your fat ass.
8. A phone call from a UMP is guaranteed to decrease your maturity by years, so embrace your sudden youthful self. Position yourself in front of a mirror and allow yourself to mock the bitch. (Caution: seeing the uncanny resemblance plus the earlier binge session may cause vomiting).
9. Bucket and moutwash (See #8)
10. Although not recommended, you may attempt to seek comfort in a confidant who does not have a UMP. If you must take this route, keep a generous supply of lye in a safe place. If your "friend" tries to convince you to see things from your mother's perspective, use the lye to destroy the remains.
11. Pamper yourself. Give yourself a full blown makeover and get empowered. Feel like the most beautiful you inside and out. Imagine yourself as an inspiring author, life-changing artist, world's most fabulous supermodel, or whatever you can dream up. However, remember that this is make believe. As your UMP has reminded you again and again, you will never amount to anything, just like you will certainly never lose that baby fat.
12. It is a well known fact that a UMP chooses one of her children from an early age to direct her rage at. Put a reminder in a visible place to get the dirt on your siblings. Next time your UMP calls, quickly spill the beans on your brother or sister. If all goes well, your UMP will hastily end the conversation and contact said sibling. However, this is not recommended for those with UMPs of extreme imbalance, as they will proceed to list the sibling's respectable traits and how you will never measure up.
13. A common side effect of a phone call from a UMP is the hasty and often desperate post-phone call attempt to find acceptance and love. This leads most commonly to one night stands and phone calls to ex-boyfriends. Remember, before jumping in the sack that Unbalanced Maternal Parenting has been linked to heredity. On that note, I'll leave you with this final thought: Don't Procreate... Masturbate."
Thank you, Katelyn, for sharing your experiences with the world. Stay posted for the upcoming installments in our Words of Wisdom essay series: "Disney Movie Drinking Games for Agoraphobic Alcoholics with a Neverland Complex", "How to Complete your Last Semester of College with $.37 and a Dream", and of course, "The 'Fun' in Dysfunctional: The Katelyn Durden Story."
1. SCREEN YOUR CALLS. However, if you must answer the migraine inflicting, anxiety stimulating, vomit inducing phone call, follow the suggestions below to ease your agony.
2. Pull out that five liter box of Franzia that you keep on hand for such occasions. If the conversation turns out to be unusually heinous, upgrade to hard liquor. Jack Daniels or Jim Beam work nicely. (Warning: Do not use nice wine glasses, as they may be propelled with high velocity against a wall while you regrettably recall the conversation post-phone call)
3. If you are expecting a call from your Unbalanced Maternal Parent (UMP), make sure you pick up an extra pack of cigarettes. However, be sure to purchase a pack of the light variety, as the amount of smoking that will ensue will surely knock 34 years off your life. (Note: If you are currently not a smoker, you do not have an UMP.)
4. A well fueled lighter should be on hand for the dreaded phone call. As your anxiety may not be eased by the consumption of cheap wine and chain-smoking, the constant flicking of the lighter may help. A well fueled lighter is also valuable in destroying insect life and burning the fringe off the holes in your jeans.
5. Be sure to surround yourself with friends who have UMPs of equal or greater insanity than your own (although the latter may seem impossible at this point). They too will have that tell tale sign, so you will surely feel less self-conscious about that constant twitch in your right eye.
6. Following a phone call, it is crucial to your sanity that an art therapy session immediately take place. Be it Pollack style paint slinging or Kahl influenced sharpie portraits, art therapy will bring your anxiety level down a notch. Art supplies of any and all varieties may be used (Voo Doo doll construction materials are a plus).
7. Indulge yourself in Taco Bell smothered in Cheez Wiz, McDonald's Happy Meals, vast amounts of icecream, or any other such fattening food. The extreme caloric intake will allow you to feel less guilty about resenting your mother and will direct your guilt to your fat ass.
8. A phone call from a UMP is guaranteed to decrease your maturity by years, so embrace your sudden youthful self. Position yourself in front of a mirror and allow yourself to mock the bitch. (Caution: seeing the uncanny resemblance plus the earlier binge session may cause vomiting).
9. Bucket and moutwash (See #8)
10. Although not recommended, you may attempt to seek comfort in a confidant who does not have a UMP. If you must take this route, keep a generous supply of lye in a safe place. If your "friend" tries to convince you to see things from your mother's perspective, use the lye to destroy the remains.
11. Pamper yourself. Give yourself a full blown makeover and get empowered. Feel like the most beautiful you inside and out. Imagine yourself as an inspiring author, life-changing artist, world's most fabulous supermodel, or whatever you can dream up. However, remember that this is make believe. As your UMP has reminded you again and again, you will never amount to anything, just like you will certainly never lose that baby fat.
12. It is a well known fact that a UMP chooses one of her children from an early age to direct her rage at. Put a reminder in a visible place to get the dirt on your siblings. Next time your UMP calls, quickly spill the beans on your brother or sister. If all goes well, your UMP will hastily end the conversation and contact said sibling. However, this is not recommended for those with UMPs of extreme imbalance, as they will proceed to list the sibling's respectable traits and how you will never measure up.
13. A common side effect of a phone call from a UMP is the hasty and often desperate post-phone call attempt to find acceptance and love. This leads most commonly to one night stands and phone calls to ex-boyfriends. Remember, before jumping in the sack that Unbalanced Maternal Parenting has been linked to heredity. On that note, I'll leave you with this final thought: Don't Procreate... Masturbate."
Thank you, Katelyn, for sharing your experiences with the world. Stay posted for the upcoming installments in our Words of Wisdom essay series: "Disney Movie Drinking Games for Agoraphobic Alcoholics with a Neverland Complex", "How to Complete your Last Semester of College with $.37 and a Dream", and of course, "The 'Fun' in Dysfunctional: The Katelyn Durden Story."
Friday, March 6, 2009
"Sarcasm"
The Blog of Unnecessary Quotation Marks
Usually people's horrible grammatical choices make me a little homicidal, but in this case, I've found it's just the opposite. If it was a blog listing unnecessary possessive apostrophes in plural situations, that would be another story entirely.
Usually people's horrible grammatical choices make me a little homicidal, but in this case, I've found it's just the opposite. If it was a blog listing unnecessary possessive apostrophes in plural situations, that would be another story entirely.
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