Kick-Ass Red Lip Stick

Alright, so I heard about Gwenyth Paltrow's GOOP newsletter a while back (yeah, I rolled my eyes too) but never actually took the time to check it out. The excerpt I read via another source included this quote: "If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification." Sluggish bowel movements? Ugh. Thanks, Gwyneth, I've read enough.

When the whole GOOP subject popped up again recently, I decided I had to check it out and read good ole Gwyn's words-o-wisdom for myself. I prepared to snicker and scoff at her high brow, new age-y self-righteousness and be utterly disgusted by her suggestions. The homepage didn't help its case any by reading, "GOOP: Nourish the Inner Aspect." Oh I'll nourish it, G. You bet I will.

So I continued perusing, and what I found was, well, it was... not terrible. Kinda interesting, actually. The detox articles intrigued me, minus the whole castor oil for bowel elimination thing. In another newsletter, she lists her favorite restaurants and hotels in New York. In another, she lists the favorite movies of several famous directors. Her short 75 or so words of narration at the beginning of each section didn't even annoy me, even if it did always end with an electronic signature reading "Gwyneth" in what looks like Mistral in italic. It wasn't snarky. It wasn't bubbly. In fact, it was rather mellow and calm. I could almost hear Ms. Paltrow saying it to me in her kinda spacey, kinda profound voice.

I think I liked it. And at first I was really ashamed with myself for liking it, but then I stopped and wondered why. Gwyneth Paltrow has always come off as pretty smart and well spoken. She didn't ever flash her cooter to the paparazzi or do a reality series. She's won academy awards. Why wouldn't she have insightful opinions? Then I remembered why I had assumed it would be complete and utter garbage from the get go: she named her child Apple. Apple. It's not even a nice sounding word. It doesn't mean anything especially interesting. Actually, I've just repeated it so many times in my head that it doesn't mean anything at all.

Apple is not a name, Gwyneth, it's a type of pie. But of course, she wouldn't know from pie; she's too busy with her liquid detox diets and make ya shit pills. All in all, I think I'll call this one a draw.