Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Kate Explains It All

What what ya'll! I seem to have a whole lot of things to say about these top ten lists lately, eh? Whatever I'm rolling with it.

K, so I came across this "10 Men Sexier Than Johnny Depp" list, and clearly my first thought was, "Umm, I'll be the judge of that," and as per usual, my first thought won out, and thus, I WILL be the judge of that. Here goes:

1. Mario Lopez. Hmm. Even back in his Slater days he lost out to Mark Paul Gosselar. I will qualify Mario Lopez's hotness with the following equation:

A.C. Slater < Zack Morris < Johnny Depp

I will admit that although Senior Lopez was quite the hottie hot in those couple episodes of Nip/Tuck, he now is the host of EVERYTHING, and that annoys the shit outta me. Depp, for the win.

2. Alexander Skarsgard.
Nice pick! Eric Northman trumps boring old Bill Compton any day. Sookie needs to get on that shit ASAP. But... he's blonde. Gross. Johnny wins.

3. Charlie Day. That greenman suit IS sexy, but I'm a sucker for the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, myself. And Glen Howerton vs. Johnny Depp? Yeah, Johnny's still on top.

4. Taylor Kitsch. Ok I've only seen like 2.5 episodes of Friday Night Lights, but my long term love affair with Kyle Chandler makes it ok in my book. From what I saw, however, I wasn't too terribly impressed with Kitsch's Tim Riggins character. He's your typical long haired bad boy, right? Like Sean Hunter on Boy Meets World... or say, Johnny Depp in like 1/3 of the things he's done. Sorry, Kitsch. JD FTW.

5. Mark Salling. Mmm. Mohawk. I'd bang most of the dudes on Glee, so Puck's definitely up there on my crush list, but until I have a three-foot tall black and white poster of him, tattooed, smoking a cigarette, and playing the piano hung on my wall, Johnny-boy's got me covered.

6. Ed Westwick. Oh no, top ten writer, no. Chuck Bass? Really? I mean, props for tackling straight on the fact that "he sometimes dresses like a dandy," but if you add in his native accent (what is he? British, right?) you've got a total queer eye. Foriegn people come off sounding gay as a general rule, so topping that off with a purple velvet jacket with a pink paisley collar sticking out is not the way into my pants. I can just picture him and Nate Whatshisnuts (Archibald? Is that it? I'm pretty much over Gossip Girl in case you couldn't tell) sucking face off screen. Sorry, Westwick. If you hadn't ruined yourself by playing the most *fabulous* (wrist snap) angsty teen bad boy that the WB has to offer, you might be a sex pot. But, alas, I'd take Johnny Depp's clean cut cop on 21 Jump Street any day.

7. Gael Garcia Bernal. Ut oh... I've got quite the soft spot for Gael. He could give Depp a run for his money... Wait, what? He's only 5'6"? Why'd ya have to go and tell me that? That totally ruins things for me. Dammit. Time to find me a new latin lovah. Shit. I think Diego Luna's only like 5'6" too. Johnny takes it.

8. John Cho. Another excellent pick! I love me some Harold Li AND some White Castle. And I've totally wanted Asian babies since I was like 12. I think it had something to do with being the only tall, white girl playing violin in the orchestra. I had Asian envy, big time. I was planning on adopting a little Korean girl and being a total stage mom, but with Asian-ness. Little Kim was sure as hell gonna be first-chair viola (violin's too competitive) and be super awesome at math and gymnastics. Sigh. What happens to a dream deferred?

Ok, wow. That came out totally racist. I wouldn't name her Kim, guys. I don't even like that name. Anyway, John Cho is adorable, but hotter than Johnny Depp? Yeah, no.

9. Cheyenne Jackson. Ok, I've never seen this guy before in my life and I totally had to google him. I guess he does broadway and he's on 30 Rock? I know, I know, I totally need to watch 30 Rock. I'm getting to it, OK? Maybe this handsome young fellow will push me to do so. He does have lovely blue eyes... But Johnny Depp is Captain Jack fucking Sparrow. Nough said.

10. John Hamm. What Would Don Draper Do? He's a chain smoking, narcissistic, shovanistic stud, and Mad Men is fucking great, but would I pass up some Depptastic goodness for Don Draper? I think not.

11. Robert Pattinson. First of all- No. Second of all- 11? WTF? And there are like two more guys after him. What botard wrote this list? I'm stopping at 11.

I'm sure we all know how I feel about those sparkly vampire loving Twihards, and sorry to say, Rob Pattinson gets mixed up in this. It's a shame, really, because he's not a bad looking fellow, but I have to hate him on principle. I'm having a tough enough time not hating Kristen Stewart, who I've liked for years. You can't just throw some new teenie-bopper Twilight star in front of me and expect me to do the work to not hate them before I even know them. That's crazy-talk! AND THEN, you expect me to compare said teenie-bopper to the likes of Johnny Depp? Are you high? There's no comparison.

And so my judgment is this: No one is hotter than Johnny Depp. Ever. And while the writer of this top ten list has good tastes in many regards, she clearly should return to elementary school to repeat basic math, and while there perhaps she'll assimilate into the culture and we'll see a brand new top ten list: 10 pre-pubescent boys who are cuter than Justin Bieber.

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