Thursday, April 22, 2010

Ten Things Every Woman Should Have in Her Car

Sigh. I know. I lied to you guys. Big time. I was all, "Yeah I'm totes mcgoats gonna blag tons more for reals." It's been nearly six months. Can we just pretend it never happened and move on?

Guess what? Since I am the Queen Shit Head Blagstress Extraordinaire, you don't really get a say in the matter. I do. Me and only me. And I say we're over it. If you're still sulking like a pissy bitch because I neglected you for so long, quit it. You're only hurting yourself.

Anyvay... inspiration has struck. Partly because today has been a sloooooooow day. I caught myself up on work by about 10 am. That slow. This has given me time to read and reread every website that I frequent on this abyss we call the internet, and I've exhausted them all. All except this one. Yep. I've read every site of interest in the vast expanse of the internet and it's brought me back to you guys.

What really sealed the deal in me opening up the old bliggety blag was an article I came across (while reading the entire internet) entitled "10 Things Every Woman Should Have in Her Car" and comparing my own little engine that could and it's every day luggage to the list. The results simply needed to be shared. Ahem. So here we are:

1. Standard emergency kit items. This was accompanied by a video. A three minute long video. How much shit is in this kit? Clearly, I didn't watch it, and will base my comparisons on speculation. This isn't uncommon. I used Wikipedia while writing college papers a time or two. Don't tell Dr. Whatshisface.

I figured this means flashlight (check. Mine is a "kittylite" in which the beams come out his eyes). Ok, really all I could guess was in this kit was a flashlight. What the hell else should I have? Road flares? Some of those dehydrated moon icecream packs that were super awesome for about three days in second grade? Oooh maybe a jack. I think I do have one of those. Jumper cables? I dunno about that. I have a AAA card. That's good right?

The frozen video lady was standing with the trunk of her car open, displaying her glorious emergency kit. If you looked in my trunk right now, my emergency kit would contain: a sterio and two speakers that I have yet to lug up to my aparment, a box containing a children's plastic swimming pool, a pair of angel wings and matching halo (real feathers), at least one loose legwarmer, and probably a hole that will transport you to some magical land, like Narnia, or Oz, or wherever those Wild Things were.


2. Personal paper products. Not a bad idea- at first glance. Reading on, the author makes mention of seeing all those highway nose pickers and blah blah blah. Picking my nose in my car is one of my favorite things. It's my right as a New York State Driver's Licenesee and the owner of a crappy used car. I don't want no box of tissues staring at me while I'm doing it, judging me. Plus, the more loose paper in my vehical, the more likely it will catch flame from a renegade cigarette ash. This is one of my biggest fears.

Also, she mentioned tampons. A good call. I had some in the glove box for a while. GBF Bubba (you remember him right?) was totally disgusted, and then intrigued, and wasted them by opening them up and dipping them into my Diet Pepsi. I was not pleased.

3. Umbrella. Yes. I've got one of those. Guess how many times I've used it. Zero. Umbrellas are mad annoying. I'd rather be wet. Or I'll just stay inside, thanks.

4. Cell phone charger. Nope. Well, there was the one that Katelyn left in the back seat which I discovered several months after she moved to Colorado. It turned out to be broken, and ended up back in the back seat.

5. Reusable shopping bags. Screw you, hippies!

6. Dog treats and a spare leash. What? I don't have a dog. Isn't petting those little furry strangers that I do come across enough? Wouldn't handing out dog treats be like luring children into your big white van with candy? Apparently for this author, it would, as she's keeping a leash in there as well. She is obviously a dognapper. I'm calling Sara McGlaughlin ASAP.

7. Snacks with a good long shelf life. Aha! They did want the freeze dried icecream. These I do not have. I very rarely have groceries in my fridge, though, either. I guess I could throw a granola bar in the glove box or something. Those last a while, right? If this lady's hinting at dried fruit or some shit, she can suck it. That shit's nasty.

8. Money. I have enough bottles in the backseat that I have thrown over my shoulder like salt for luck as soon as they've been depleated of their Diet Pepsi-y goodness to return for change and then order an entire pizza. I'm sure Pizza Hut will deliver to my 1999 Escort.

9. A good book. There's usually one in my purse, and various stragglers bumping around in the back seat. Check.

10. A GPS unit. Nope. Messica and I were aided by one of these on our trip to rescue Bubba from Brooklyn. We named her Gloria early in the trip, but apparently that long stretch through PA and on to Jersey bored the shit outta her, because she apparently decided to drop some acid and then start telling us whatever the fuck she wanted. By the time she got us lost somewhere in Newark in a locale that I'm pretty sure Tony Soprano has frequented for body dumps, we were both cursing Gloria at the top of our lungs. For 20 minutes that bitch took us on a tour around Rapesville, NJ until we ripped her suction cupped grip from the dash and tossed her into the black hole that is the back section of Messica's truck. And I don't think there's an emergency kit back there.

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