Thursday, June 17, 2010


I'm not so sure about this 1000 Awesome Things website, guys. Should be right up my alley because I love awesome things and I love making lists, but... something about it feels... forced. Or stale...

Maybe that's because it is. Back in 2000, my HS BFF bought me the book 14,000 Things to be Happy About on a whim, because, well, that's what HS BFFs do. This book, much like the site, lists awesome things. The book, however, does not explain why said things are awesome, or in its case, things to be happy about. It's just a really long list. And I think I like it better that way.

I mean, sure, there were things in there that none of us could identify. Those things are often labeled with handwritten question marks or the occasional, "WTF?". Yes, The Happy Book, as we call it, is annotated. We passed it around the school hallways for weeks. We loaned it to friends and acquaintances who were having especially bad days. We added to it. And we crossed out things that were deemed not awesome.

The Book, which now sits immediately to my right on the lowest shelf in my office, is still present for reference. And though it probably only gets use on the rare occasion when somebody asks, "What the fuck is 14,000 Things to be Happy About?" or when I'm having a really rough day, like when Corey Haim died.

I can still recognize the handwriting of each contributor. Sometimes this is because he added his own name as something to be happy about. Yes, AJ, that means you. Other times it's because she felt the need to make a special section in the back to chronicle exactly the date and time of the additions, as well as what she was wearing, and the fact that she was listening to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," by Cyndi Lauper. And clearly, Durden is identifiable by the excessive number of "your mom" jokes and references to Fight Club.

So, good try Neil of 1000 Awesome Things website, if that is your real name. Mine certainly isn't Kate... Anyway, "Neil" and his site can suck it. It's been done before and my personilized book is better.

Why do all my conclusions need to be laced with blatent hostility? Seems I need me a little Happy Book right now.

Oh, boy. Seems I published this post too soon, and that hostility I was feeling was completely justified. I had read through the latest couple of posts by this "Neil" fellow, and was pretty meh about them, cuz duh, everyone likes driving with the windows down on a hot summer night, you don't really have to explain it, but then I just decided to peruse the top 1000 things, just for funsies. I was not pleasantly surprised. In the first 30 or so I read, I was actually kind of appalled.

"Fat Baseball Players?" Ummm, no. Half the fun of watching baseball is knowing that I'd probably bang everyone on the Yankees roster. Cecil Fielder, back in the day, was certainly an exception. I don't like exceptions.

"The Gas Arrow?" Seriously, dude? You can't remember what side of your car your gas tank is on? Are you high? The little light up arrow that indicates which side that you like so much is handy THE FIRST TIME YOU'RE PUTTING GAS IN A NEW CAR. And then, it is obsolete. I'm never driving with you, buddy. You seem to have demensia.

Other items from this a-hole's list include: "Really, Really Old Tupperware." Ick. "Eating Things Past the Expiry Date." Barf. "Yellow Teeth?" "Rain Hair?" What are you smoking, guy? These things are terrible.

I mean, props for including "Picking Your Nose," cuz I think we all know how I feel on that subject, but again, this is an exception. And I think we all know how I feel about that subject too.

Awful. Take a Lap.

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